I’m super excited! In a few days, I’m going on a big trip to a country I’ve never visited before. By myself. I never travel alone. And I’m a little cagey about discussing it with friends and family, but it’s hard to travel to another continent without actually telling anyone. Who needs to know anything about it? And how do I explain it – to others, to myself?

So I try words on for size: some true, some potentially true, and some definitely not true.

“I’m going on a trip.”

“I’m going on a vacation overseas. No, Wolf isn’t coming.”

“Wolf is too busy with his thesis to do any travelling until it’s done.”

“It’s difficult for Wolf to travel these days, what with needing a blood test every two weeks.”

“He’s not interested in this destination. This trip is for me.”

“He can focus on the thesis and I get a break from it for a while.”

“I’m visiting a friend.”

“I have a girlfriend who’s living there.”

“I’m visiting a good friend.”

“I’ll be staying with my friend.”

“…my friend and his family.”

“I’m visiting my boyfriend.”

“…my lover.”

“…a dom.”

“…my dom.”

“…my Dom.”

“We met when I was studying overseas.”


“…through friends.”

“We met… around.”

“Oh yes, I’m taking advantage of a layover to visit some other friends on the way.”

“I planned this trip with a layover so en route I’m briefly visiting a friend, who recently declared that he loved me, and I’ve invited myself to crash at his house. Did I mention I once had a crush on him? And then I’m going to hang out with an ex-boyfriend.”

“Sightseeing? Well, I’m going to a couple of major places but otherwise just hanging out. I don’t really know where I’ll be — my friend is organizing everything. Yes, it’s very kind of him.”

“We’ve discussed the itinerary and my interests. There are a couple of things that we’re going to do because I want to, but otherwise I’m putting myself in his hands and just going along for the ride.”

“I’ve asked permission to do a couple of things, which he has told me that he’ll allow, but otherwise I expect to do as I’m told.”

“There will be local outings. There will be a flight. There will be leather cuffs. Not necessarily in that order.”

“I’m not sure where exactly we’re going, but it doesn’t really matter because the only scenery that’s guaranteed is interior. You know, hotel rooms.”

“I’m travelling thousands of miles for sex. Maybe. Definitely travelling, for maybe-sex. For Schrodinger’s sex.”

“I’m going on a sex vacation. The shows (every hour on the hour) include spankings, floggings, and fuckings, the climax is a climax and everyone screams. Kind of like a roller coaster, or a log ride. No, you don’t get a plastic cape if you sit in the splash zone.”

“Don’t expect me to post many photos to Facebook; the number of photos seems to be inversely proportional to the fun I’m having, or I take loads, get overwhelmed, and post none.”

“I don’t expect to post photos because I’ll mostly be hanging out with my friend.”

“…because we’ll probably be doing things where you wouldn’t post the photos to Facebook.”

“I might post photos, not on Facebook, but on my anonymous sex blog that you don’t know about, and they won’t be of scenery but of my reddened ass, inter alia. A connoisseur will be able to discern whether the marks are from a bare-hand spanking, a paddle, a flogger, a cane, a crop or a single-tail whip.”

“My husband is dropping me off at the airport. During my layover, I’m visiting a man who loves me and an ex-boyfriend. I’m going to get picked up on far side by my boyfriend… lover… Dom. Should be interesting.”

Sinful Sunday: yes, pleats

The other day it was hot. I wear pants all the time so it has to be really hot before I remember that I even own skirts and that some of them are nice to wear in hot weather.

The skirt I chose to wear was one I’d made a few years ago, and while I like it and find it flattering, these days the just-below-the-knee length feels a little… stale. I’m more comfortable with my body than I was when I made it and now wearing it feels a little like hiding.

As I considered whether to raise the hem a little, I remembered that I had another iteration of the same style of skirt. Even though it was the most recent make, I liked it the least, and it was in the pile of clothes to get rid of. I could alter it without fear, since even if I mangled it I wasn’t really out anything but time. I dug it out and performed surgery, shortening it by 7 inches!

It’s now well into the realm of girliness. I feel like I might be channeling a Japanese schoolgirl in half of her sailor uniform. And as costume-y as that sounds, I think I’m going to get way more use out of it like this.

yes pleats

Funnily enough, this shirt spent some time in the pile of stuff to get rid of too.

badge Sinful Sunday

e[lust] #84

Elust 84 header
Photo courtesy of A to sub-Bee

Welcome to Elust #84

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #85? Start with the rules, come back August 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

About Those “Apple Thighs”
Why the Hell Haven’t I Rebelled Yet?


~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

IDENTITY – hiding the evidence
friday flash–service


~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Good In Bed


Erotic Fiction

Pubic Disturbance
Colds and Lust
Sex Machine
A Dirty Bathroom Floor
I’m Sorry I’m So Silent
S’il Vous Plaît
Edge of Morning
Dancin’ (Most) of the Night Away
Airport Arrivals

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

42 Kinds of Casual Sex
Living in Fear – An Essay on Male Entitlement

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

How To Give A Bare Handed Spanking
Reconciling dominance and love
She’s a Very Kinky Gor

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Run the good race

Erotic Non-Fiction

We Made A Resolution To Make Love Everyday
The 20 Minute Orgasm
More on cunt, corridors & Schroedinger’s cock
Stoned Birthday Sex
Room with a View
I’m Not Done With Your Throat Yet
It’s a strange path to trust.

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Poly and Pets

Writing about Writing

Why Write Erotic Fiction?
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TMI Tuesday: sex, fetish & orgasm

TMI Tuesday blog

1. Have you ever orgasmed just by hearing sexy dirty talk? No. I’ve never had a hands-off orgasm except a few times in my sleep. Dirty talk can be good, but as a side dish not a main course.

2. Have you ever tried scissoring? No.

3. Have you ever practiced BDSM on yourself (bondage, nipple clamps, hot wax, etc.)? I’ve done nipple clamps on myself. My partner has never used them on me – he just pinches.

4. Have you ever licked or sucked on someone else’s feet or toes? Was it a turn-on for you or were you doing it to please them? No, and it doesn’t interest me. I’ve had my toes sucked and it doesn’t really do much for me either. That said, I don’t find feet to be an absolute turn-off the way some people seem to, and I think I have nice looking feet.

5. Would you say that you have a sexual fetish? What is it? No, and I don’t think I’m likely to develop one. Turned on by an object or non-sexualized body part? Not really my style.

6. What is the best way for you to orgasm? 1. Be very turned on. I’m still working out how to do that. Spanking has been pretty reliable so far, but the physical isn’t enough – I also need to be turned on emotionally. 2. G-spot stimulation with fingers. 3. Clitoral stimulation with my little vibe. 4. Engage my PC muscle.

I can get very close with the g-spot stimulation but so far I’ve never been able to come just from that. I can come just from clitoral stimulation but it’s usually not as satisfying. And if g-spot and clit are happening at the same time, the g-spot stuff sometimes seems to create “noise” so that I can’t really feel the vibe and thus can’t get off. I like to get well primed with g-spot and then use clitoral stimulation like a short fuse.

Bonus: Do you have a crush on a fellow blogger? Yes, you could say that.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Go to the TMI Tuesday blog and copy the questions. Paste them to your blog and answer them there (with a link to TMI Tuesday Blog). Then go back to the TMI Tuesday blog post and provide a link to your post in the comments.

F4TF: mono-poly

This week’s question:

Monogamy – do you think it is our natural inclination?
Are you in a monogamous relationship or do you you live a polyamorous life?
If you are monogamous, is it by choice? Do you find it easy or is it a struggle?

When I see the word “natural” I tend to go into sceptic mode – though that would suggest I occasionally leave sceptic mode, and I’m not sure that’s accurate. “Natural” is often used as a shorthand appeal to “natural law”, which is a set of moral principles that can theoretically be arrived at objectively. Beware! And it tends to be tied up with a confusion between is and ought, which in this case could take the form of “people in most cultures are monogamous, therefore all people ought to be monogamous.”

I don’t know if it’s actually true that most cultures subscribe to monogamy, and there are problems with definition, such as: does monogamy mean only one partner in a lifetime, or does serial monogamy (including marriage ending in divorce) count as a type of monogamy? and, if a significant proportion of people in a monogamous culture cheat on their spouses, is the culture really “monogamous”?

Humans are complex creatures. There’s a tremendous amount of individual variety, and the family and culture you grow up in have a massive impact too. We don’t have a great deal of instinctive behavior because we are intelligent and learn virtually everything we need to know in order to survive.

I’ve mentioned before that I considered myself strictly monogamous (in the serial monogamy sense of the word) until recently. I much prefer having few close friendships rather than a bunch of acquaintances, and I’d rather get to know someone one-to-one rather than while hanging out in a group. I focus. I’ve never had any difficulty with monogamy, was never tempted to cheat. When Wolf and I started seeing each other, we spent all our free time together for the first, oh, ten years or more. The longest we’d ever been apart was about a week. And then when he started studying in the UK, we emailed and Skyped daily.

But I also felt rather isolated and it turns out that I need more human connection in general. When I met Gawan online, I had no idea where things were going to go, I just let them unfold as they would, and it didn’t take long before I developed an attachment and the relationship became romantic (though not in a familiar form, due to the distance and other circumstances). I wasn’t expecting it nor was I looking for it, and I ended up having some emotional work to do, but I was interested to find that this relationship hasn’t resulted in any diminishment of my feelings for Wolf at all. (If it had, I would have pulled the plug on the new relationship.) I’ve since realized that I suffer from something of a love and affection deficit, and so now having the love of two people feels really nurturing to me. So I suppose I’m somewhat polyamorous now. (It’s complicated by the fact that the relationship with Gawan is long distance, so the practicalities involve email, Skype, and occasional big trips rather than setting up a date night etc.)

I don’t really identify as “polyamorous”, and I’m not sure it’s the most accurate term but it’ll do for now. Whatever this is, it’s a kind of ethical non-monogamy. Are monogamy and polyamory simply functional descriptions of how you arrange the relationship(s) that you have? Or are they entrenched orientations – like being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual – such that you can identify as one or another even when you’re single? I certainly feel more mono than poly, but how much of that is my authentic identity and how much is culture and habit?

Romantic attachment parallels parent-child attachment, and most children have an attachment to two parents. I won’t say that romantic attachment to two partners is therefore “natural” or some kind of should, but maybe it’s not entirely unnatural. We are a social species and we seek connection.

I’m not looking for any new relationships. And if I found myself in only one romantic relationship again, I wouldn’t go looking for someone to fill the vacancy. But I probably won’t look at “friendship” and “romantic relationship” as rigidly defined, mutually exclusive categories anymore either.

Sinful Sunday: change of pace

badge Sinful Sunday

The theme for Sinful Sunday is “change”.

For a change, I’m posting a photo of Wolf instead of myself. Wolf hates having his photo taken but, for a change, I asked him – and he agreed.

I’ve had issues with body image. I have suffered with my own perfectionism plus a small helping of the self-criticism that is culturally mandated for girls and women. When I started posting photos for the Sinful Sunday and Boobday memes, I had no intention of changing my attitude – it didn’t even occur to me that that might happen. But change it did, and for the better.

Wolf has a general discomfort with photos of people, himself and others, arising from the fact that the image is meant to capture a moment in time but it’s always somehow unreal. The only photos of himself that he doesn’t mind are candids because he can see them as an observer rather than as a participant. Looking at a posed photo of himself inevitably reminds him of the self-consciousness he felt when the photo was taken. (Now there’s a captured memory that one can live without!) And then he just doesn’t really like how he looks. Body image can be an issue for men too.

change of pace