laundry and loneliness

I was doing the dishes, my mind wandering as it often does in the circumstances, and I remembered a little incident from when I was about 13.

I was at my mom’s house (my parents were separated, soon to be divorced) and she said she thought it was time for me to learn how to do my own laundry. I was stricken; I may have cried. She dropped it.

I actually like doing laundry now. So what was that reaction about?

In recent years I’ve realised that I never felt like I had much emotional support from my parents, and they were both emotionally distant, though in different ways. Imagine that a baby’s parents are killed in a car accident leaving a child-free but dutiful aunt and uncle take on the responsibility of raising her. That was my childhood.

The laundry thing wasn’t about laundry; it was about my mom doing something as part of taking care of me and threatening (utterly without malice) to take away one of the few bits of support I had from her. It was about learning to be independent because no one else is going to help.

I guess I don’t often notice feeling lonely because lonely is my normal.

it’s just everything

It’s been an unforgettable summer, that’s for sure.

In mid-July, someone broke into our house (well, came into — the door was unlocked because it was daytime in this small, sleepy city) while we were both home, grabbed a fistful of keys from beside the door and tried to steal our car. They didn’t get far. Couldn’t drive stick. But they got house keys so we had to get the locks changed immediately. Office keys. My spare bike lock key, I think. The key to Wolf’s tool chest. We got the car towed from where it sat partly blocking the alley, had the ignition reprogrammed, and parked it a few blocks away, but even so, they found it, stole it, torched it.

It has weighed on my mind. I’ve got a new car now but I haven’t quite wrapped up the insurance claim. It’s become a source of some anxiety. And I’ve been busy. So it’s not done yet. On Friday I got a notice to renew the plates on the old car even though they know it’s a total loss. I guess I need to deal with that..

Wolf has moved back to the city where he worked the winter academic term. I’ve gone to visit twice — the first time having borrowed my mom’s car, the second as my new car’s inaugural trip. I like this new car. I like the colour. The last time I had a new car was almost 13 years ago; I didn’t expect it to end like this. I worry about the new one a bit.

In August, I masturbated a lot compared to my previous average. Not deliberately. I was just trying to pay attention to my body, listen when it whispered in my ear. In September it stopped whispering again. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I’m on my own now and I’m just busy all the time?

I renegotiated the mortgage so I could pay it off earlier. I want to be thinking about repairs and upgrades, but mostly I’m thinking about security. I’m getting a utilitarian fence this fall. I need to take down the old one, though frankly I could probably get most of it down by leaning on it. Are the eavestroughs going to make it through another winter?

My new term of dance classes has started again. I took a trip to do a workshop earlier in the month, and replenish the well. It helped but this still feels like a slog — lesson planning and choreo for a show and another, earlier show that I was given a last-minute invitation to perform at.

Dance is the one place in real life that I socialise. I work from home in silence and that’s how I like it. People take so much energy. And some of them get angry — actually angry — about the weather. Remind me why I’m friends with these people? Am I even?

I spoke to my dad. Things are better than they’ve been for a while. But the last time I talked to him was already two months ago. It takes so much energy.

First I had no ideas about what to write. Then a few, but no time. Then they backed up, and then it was overwhelming — where to start? No time, no time. Easier to say nothing than try to spit out half-formed thoughts.

It’s just everything.

Sinful Sunday: It’s all about the image.

Sinful Sunday: It’s all about the image.

room with a view 6

Japan, Nov 2018

Anonymizing my image through the medium of laundry 😉

Boobday is a body-positive meme where women share images of their bodies in order to show that there is beauty in all of us. With confidence comes power and with power comes confidence.

Boobday is a body-positive meme where women share images of their bodies in order to show that there is beauty in all of us. With confidence comes power and with power comes confidence.

Sinful Sunday: It’s all about the image.

Sinful Sunday: It’s all about the image.

mile high 38

Tomorrow is the medium-sized dance performance that I mentioned last Boobday. It’s part of a larger (and potentially very tiring) event that I’ll probably take in as well, at least in part, so I’m going to be a bit of a wreck by this time tomorrow. Fortunately my energy level has been largely keeping up with the busyness, and that’s a minor miracle. It’s not sustainable in the long or even medium term, but for now I’m good.

The first leg of my trip to Japan in Nov 2018

Boobday is a body-positive meme where women share images of their bodies in order to show that there is beauty in all of us. With confidence comes power and with power comes confidence.

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mile high 37

Things haven’t calmed down much in the last two weeks, though I am successfully getting through the busyness.

I’m now powering through a number of dance performances, including a small one this weekend, a medium-sized one next, and then a big one the week following. I enjoy it but there’s a lot of admin to be done, and 10 minutes of dancing can be surprisingly tiring even though it’s not super intense — it still basically lays me out for the day.

 

This photo — the only one I took — is from a little solo trip last fall. It was warm so for a change I’m not wearing my standard travel outfit.

Boobday is a body-positive meme where women share images of their bodies in order to show that there is beauty in all of us. With confidence comes power and with power comes confidence.

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mile high 36

Wolf and I are on a little road trip this weekend. It’s for sad family business but we’re making the most of it: I’ve now got a couple of shots to share that aren’t on a plane for once, though it’ll take me a while to get to them.

It’s been frantically busy at work and with dance classes and performances that it’s nice to escape for a couple of days, even if the place where we’re staying is not exactly the height of luxury (there are signs on the outside doors for folks to take off grubby footwear there rather than track dirt through the place). I may be terrible with faces but I recognised the woman who runs this place (from the last time we were here on family business) by her voice and the way she chatters.

This is the last shot from a business trip that generated a handful of images. I had two flights each way, same aircraft type three times, and my outfits on both travel days were very similar but not quite the same. See if you can spot the differences!

mile high 33
mile high 34
aerodrome 3
mile high 35

Boobday is a body-positive meme where women share images of their bodies in order to show that there is beauty in all of us. With confidence comes power and with power comes confidence.

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slight adjustment

It’s Sinful Sunday theme week once again, and this time it’s “outtakes“.

Like many other folks, I delete photos from my phone immediately if they’re out of focus, blurred by movement, or purely accidental, and I usually only take phone pics a few ad hoc snaps at a time. I realised that to find a “good” outtake, I’d need to go through my proper shoots.

Here’s one: a mistimed adjustment.

I cropped out my face but otherwise left it full size, including all the stuff around the edges that I’d usually crop out (for better or worse, I always shot in landscape on this camera). The mandarin on the floor at bottom left marks the field of view so I wouldn’t accidentally cut my feet out.

Photos from this January 2017 shoot that I’ve posted previously:

statuesque
hold tight
striped symmetry 2
from on high

Sinful Sunday: It’s all about the image.

badge Sinful Sunday

mile high 35

I’ve been home for a few weeks now and, sadly, getting back into the groove of work, dance, and other quotidian things.

I’ve been reading Paris by Edward Rutherford to get a better feel for the City of Lights as I know I’ll be there again sooner or later, and Wolf and I have started thinking about a little adventure closer to home this summer. It’s been too long since we had an adventure together.

I don’t actually live in an airplane, though you’d be forgiven for thinking I do. I just am now in this habit of snapping a pic on every flight. Good excuse to stretch the legs.

Boobday is a body-positive meme where women share images of their bodies in order to show that there is beauty in all of us. With confidence comes power and with power comes confidence.

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