I started telling the story of this trip (including a rough draft of this post) shortly after I returned home. I got the first two posts out before the writing of it slowed dramatically. Around that time I was starting to find it difficult to write anything; I think this was connected to my deteriorating mood, which culminated in a diagnosis of depression at the very end of 2016.

But on top of that, it’s just been difficult to write about because momentous things happened, and since both Wolf and Gawan have access to my thoughts here, those thoughts needed to be very settled before I’ll share them.

After the lengthy train journey, we arrived in Gawan’s town and drove home. I knew this whole trip was going to be a big deal, filled with one novelty after another. I’d never been to his country, never mind the big city I arrived in, his town, his house. There would be “his people”. Our travels together. And any developments that may happen in our relationship.

I was concerned about being overwhelmed by all the newness. There was little I could do about it beyond “wait and see”, but I asked him to give me a little photo tour of the homestead to help me adjust more quickly when I finally arrived. Between that and having stalked the place on Google Street View, I felt more at home out of the gate than I would have otherwise.

Usually when two people are establishing a new relationship, each knows what he or she wants to happen, but is making educated guesses about what the other person wants and is hoping those wants are complementary. This was different in that I was more sure of Gawan’s desires than my own: Gawan knew he wanted to fuck but he wasn’t sure if I wanted to, and I knew Gawan wanted to fuck but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to.

Before I left on this trip, I had decided — by rationally considering my thoughts and feelings in excruciating detail — that I wanted to have sex with him. But I was well aware that I might not feel it in the moment, or I might have an emotional landmine blow up in my face. This wasn’t a simple matter: I was choosing (ethical) non-monogamy for the first time ever and it remained to be seen whether I could and would act on that decision.

Gawan confided later that the hug at the airport had pleased him. What he’d gotten from my warmth was a certainty that sometime during the trip, and sooner rather than later, we would fuck. I wouldn’t have put it that way. I had a level of comfort with physicality that I hadn’t felt during our first trip together, but it was a sitting-on-his-lap-and-cuddling kind of feeling — intimate but not especially sexual.

Of course, I had imagined what it would be like to have sex with him. I didn’t see BDSM happening the first time. Even though it seemed to be part of our relationship, BDSM was only one (for now, small) aspect. This had to be simple, and it wasn’t going to be a scene. It would be about initiating a connection on a new, physical level. I had discarded the hotel as a possible location, which left his house. The house we were now at.

After supper we got settled, and then played around. We kissed, he gave me oral. He smacked me with the wood-and-leather flyswatter I’d bought for him months earlier, before we had even met. And we fucked.

This is the most highly anticipated fuck I’ve ever had, and the most rationally planned and considered. I had been thinking about, imagining, constructing, and musing on it for months. I’d thought very little about what it would feel like physically (it would feel how it felt and I had no particular expectations), but I imagined how it would feel emotionally from every possible angle. So how was it?

It was affectionate and kind and sweet.

It was warm and connected.

I felt safe and loved.

It was just what I needed it to be.

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fiction: The New Principal 5: Examination

I closed the classroom door with a click then walked through the deserted halls, canvas sneakers echoing squeakily. I returned to the restroom where I’d freshened up before class, pushed open the heavy wooden door — empty! — and then was serenaded by the groaning hinges. The door clunked closed.

I was alone and unobserved for the first time since the spanking. I bent over slightly to get my hands on the backs of my thighs under the hem of my skirt while I walked. While I was in class I could certainly tell that the skin was tender, but somehow it didn’t seem fully real until I touched the heat with my fingertips, sensitive cool skin against sensitive warm skin.

As before, I went to the very end of the row, but this time I pushed open the stall door and turned to look at myself in the mirror from this makeshift blind. It was unlikely that anyone would come in during class time, but my instinct was to hide and I didn’t want to take even the slight risk of being seen.

I lifted the pleats of my skirt and looked over my shoulder at my reflection. The area from mid-thighs up to — gathering up the pleats with my left arm, I briefly pulled down the waistband of my panties with my right — mid-bum was tender and warm, and the mirror revealed it to be a splotchy pink. Pink? Not red? Hmph. It felt red. I had felt it throbbing distinctly redly.

Craning my neck was awkward. I heard Mr. Martin’s voice in my mind: “Yes it’s awkward — it’s meant to be.” My gut clenched. I tucked the hem of my skirt up into the waistband to free my hands, turned toward the toilet and held my phone up to take an ass-selfie over my shoulder, then examined the photo. Hmm, the panties hid most of the color. I tugged my panties down to mid-thigh, where they’d be out of the way and snapped another photo.

Back down to mid-thigh, rather. That’s where they were less than an hour ago, where Mr. Martin had put them. No, not put. Pulled. Tugged, impatiently. The gusset was now soaked through and I was dripping wet, like syrup. Had I been this wet earlier? Had he seen? Did he know?

I slipped my phone back in the pocket of my blazer, then ran my fingertips in light circles over the warm, abused skin. I touched myself delicately all over, raising goosebumps in places. Then I placed my hands flat on my backside, middle fingers nestled in the creases at the top of my thighs, savoring the throbbing heat against my cool hands.

He had smacked my bum, a lot. And it hurt, a lot. But sometimes he had touched me gently. Fairly often, now that I thought about it. The light squeezes, the caresses, they didn’t feel like punishment at all. And the times when he had stilled, I suppose he was looking, or rather, gazing. I know he had been hard, I hadn’t imagined that. Then afterwards, he had touched my back lightly, and murmured in my ear.

He had suggested that I might come back to him, that I might choose to take more punishment at his hands. I’d have to want it to be able to choose it. But want… what? To earn extra credit? To impress him? To feel his touch, whether gentle or harsh?

I felt that clench again, threatening to overtake me.

I latched the stall door.

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fiction: The New Principal 4: Escape

I hightailed it to my second period class — French — and got my bum down onto my seat as fast as I could, which was pretty fast indeed. My desk was at the front of the class, closest to the door. You would have been forgiven for thinking I was playing a solitaire version of musical chairs to a tune only I could hear.

Once the general commotion died down and class began, I quickly noticed that getting comfortable on the hard seat with my bum still throbbing hotly was pretty much impossible. The uniform skirt was too short to really sit on — I would have to tuck it carefully under me to make it stay, and then I’d have a bundle of fabric right under where it hurt the most. No thanks. Staying still was bad, and shifting was worse, but I shifted anyway, with a desperate certainty that there must be some position that would ease my discomfort.

But I was wrong.

The throb of my bottom and thighs was surprising only for its novelty. Of course a spanking would hurt, that was its raison d’être. But the answering throb between my legs was something else entirely. Keeping up with notetaking wasn’t enough to keep my mind fully occupied; it kept slipping away to snapshots of the hour before (l’heure précédente). The smooth, cool wood (le bois) of the chair (de la chaise) under my bottom (au-dessous de ma derrière). Looking past my knees (mes genoux) to the terrazzo floor. Mr. Martin’s accent and the timbre of his voice (sa voix). The terrazzo floor now only inches (quelques pouces) away from my face (de mon visage). The uncomfortable constricting pressure as my body weight squashed my stomach (mon estomac? diaphragme?) and lower ribs into his lap (er, genoux again?).

I wrenched my focus to the lesson, scribbling more notes. The last thing I needed was to get caught not paying attention at the moment when she asked me a question, especially since she would expect me to know the answer.

I shifted on the damned unyielding seat, and the resultant ache drew me back again. The sting of that first smack. The pain (la douleur) as the smacks stacked up and he built up that throbbing heat (la chaleur)…

Suddenly the teacher was wrapping up the lesson, early, and generously giving us lots of time to work on homework. I sprang from my seat.

“Mlle Lamotte, I’m not feeling well. May I go to the restroom?”

“Oh, Alexandra, you’re looking a bit flushed. Do you have a fever? Do you want to go to the nurse’s office?”

Merde. “No, I think I just need to wash my face and get some air and maybe a drink of water. The restroom is fine.” Mostly I was craving solitude. How could it all have happened only been 40 minutes ago? It already felt like it had been days.

She gave me the permission I sought and I strode away briskly. When I turned in the hallway to quietly latch the door using both hands, we made eye contact briefly through the crack.

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fiction: The New Principal 3: Maelstrom

In a slight daze, I wandered out of the school office into the chaos of the hall between classes. The noise and bustle engulfed me, swirling around me on all sides, but it felt like it was at a distance. Maybe I was at the eye of the storm. But it felt like I was the storm, and my swirling thoughts were causing everything else to rotate noisily around me. I walked indifferently through the maelstrom.

“Lexiiiieee! What happened?!” Ugh. Tanya. We’d been chummy in school years before but hadn’t hung out together for a long time. We were too different from each other. She teased me about my serious demeanor, and I tended to find her pink, sparkly girliness grating. Though she meant well. She must have heard my name on the intercom and made note.

“Nothing, Tanya. Nothing happened. Look, I’m going to be late for class. Talk to you later, OK?”

She paused, peering at me. “Oh, I almost forgot! You know I’m in band, right? Well, we just found out when our recital is going to be. Can I put you down for a ticket?”

“Enough with the promo, Tanya. Late, remember?”

“OK, bye,” she said weakly and wandered off.

“Honestly,” I muttered as I hurried away. She’d been regarding me oddly, which seemed to prove that I looked as much of a mess as I felt, so I made a beeline for the restroom.

I neither expected nor found the solitude I would have preferred: there were four other girls who had taken up stations in front of squared-off white porcelain sinks, a few stall doors were closed, and the general echoing clatter was punctuated by the occasional whooshing flush. Worried that my thighs might tell the tale, I went straight to the last sink, where I figured I was least likely to be closely observed. The stall behind me stood empty.

I turned one battered knob and splashed cool water on my face while examining myself in quick, businesslike glances.

Red eyes – check. I looked like I’d been crying. Or, generously, like I had a cold.

I pulled a length of brown paper towel from the rattling dispenser on the wall to my right and dried my face and hands.

Messy hair – check. I extracted the elastic, combed my hair out briskly with my fingers and redid my ponytail.

Sloppy shirt – check. It must have pulled up out of the waistband of my skirt while I was… upended. Over his knee. With my hands and feet barely touching the floor. And he… Never mind. I tucked the shirt back in smartly and smoothed down the blazer and skirt.

As I got myself tidied up, I became aware that, yes, my ass and thighs were throbbing with heat. It had to be visible below the hem of my skirt. Although I was seriously tempted to check, the last thing I wanted was for people to look and I didn’t intend to telegraph that there was something to see, so I mastered the impulse. I had to hope that the others were too involved with their own reflections to pay attention to me as I strode purposefully out the door and off to class.

The hallway was still bustling, the advantage of which was that my legs were unlikely to cross anyone’s sight-line, especially with me being as short as I am. And anyway, I’d mostly blend into the forest of other bare legs.

My thighs, though. They were hot. They’d be warm to the touch, I was sure. It felt like blushing. And with my skin so pale, no blush ever seemed to go unremarked. The very though brought color and heat to my cheeks. That is, my other

Oh god, this was going to be a long day.

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fiction: The New Principal 2

[Continued from Part 1.]

I looked at the principal blankly as I tried to make sense of his words. Over his knee? How…?

Reading my hesitation, he explained, “Your hips on my knee, your hands and feet touch the floor. Yes, it’s awkward — it’s meant to be.”

Oh hell. This skirt was so short, I’d pretty much be flashing him as soon as I got into position. Was it my imagination, or was he starting to look a little flushed too? I took a deep breath, stood beside the chair, then tipped myself forward over his legs — awkwardly — while trying to minimize the physical contact, utterly in vain.

“Mhmm,” he murmured, as I pointlessly attempted to get less uncomfortable.

He flipped the skirt out of the way and I froze. Then I flinched when the first stinging slap landed, though I’m not sure if I was reacting more to the feeling, the sound, or the idea of it. He started by scattering smacks all over, and after a few moments they began to land more heavily. My bum was feeling warm now and must have been getting red. Then he started to rain smacks down on one spot and I squirmed from the pain and tried to avoid the blows. But resistance, as they say, is futile. My breath caught as I felt a stirring in my gut and my abs clenched. I was breathing heavily and heard myself whimpering, as if from a distance. Between my legs it felt warm and sort of, I don’t know, swollen I guess, like blooming.

Suddenly he stopped and tugged at my panties. “Lift, girl” he growled, and tugged them down below my bum. Oh god! How much could he see? Was he looking? I imagined I could feel his gaze and I squirmed — to get away, to stop the spanking, to ease the feeling in my gut, to do something. I was mortified, but the nervous fluttering had connected with a throb low in my belly, and further south.

“Mmmm,” he purred. His legs were warm under me, and was that his…? Oh.

I wanted… I don’t know what. But, oh god, I wanted.

More slaps, and getting harder. More whimpering. That must have been me. Occasional low groans. Those were from him. Then I suddenly let go, my mind taking a step away from the pain to where the pain was still there but somehow didn’t really matter. Still breathing hard. I relaxed into it, ceased struggling, stilled.

After a moment, he stopped.

He began stroking my bum and thighs, gently, gently. Caressing. A squeeze.

A pause.

Somewhat hoarsely, he said, “Right. That’s that. Up you get.” He hauled me to my feet. I was lightheaded and red-faced, tears prickling at my eyes from the pain and embarrassment. My bum throbbed hotly. I was self-conscious and started to pull up my panties but stopped, unsure, and looked at him, then flicked my gaze away. I waited, frozen.

“Yes, you can pull them up now.” He moved the wooden chair back to the corner, wheeled the black office chair back to the desk and sat down.

“Have a seat.” I put my jacket back on and sat on the cool, smooth chair, trying to catch my breath and not make any noise, while I tugged my clothes back into place while moving as little as possible. If it had been hard to look at him before, it was doubly difficult now. After this. My hand jerked towards my hair when I realised it must have been a mess too. Everything about me was a mess.

His voice, when he spoke, was still a little gruff. “So that’s the skipping dealt with. Now, your marks, awards and extra-curricular activities clearly demonstrate that achievement is important to you. From this moment you have a clean slate as far as I’m concerned, but you may be thinking that isn’t enough to make things right, in your own mind. In fact, you might prefer to go above and beyond to impress me that you really are well behaved, but you might be at a loss as to how to do so.

“Well, I know a way. The punishment you just got was earned in full, but you can bank credit by taking punishments that you haven’t earned. It could be spanking, or maybe the strap. Do you know what a tawse is? No, you wouldn’t, I suppose. Anyway, there are options. Think on it.”

The bell rang.

“Ah, end of the first period. You’re done now. You had better get going — I know you won’t want to be late for your next class.” One corner of his mouth lifted.

I stood, and he walked me to the door. He put one hand on the knob, the other very lightly on the small of my back, and his mouth was close to my ear as he murmured, “Do think on the extra credit option, Alexandra.”

I walked out of his office — past the door to the still-humming photocopier room and the still-bustling secretary, into the tumult of the hall while everyone was rushing to their next class — feeling disheveled and spaced out, and wondering just how much of an overachiever I actually was.

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fiction: The New Principal 1

This is my first fiction piece on the blog, and I might be jumping into the deep end by starting with a very specific genre: the schoolgirl spanking story.

It all started with a skirt. I’d been thinking that I could use a little pleated skirt, then remembered I had one in the pile of clothes to get rid of that, with alteration, might work. After I hacked off 7 inches, I found it surprisingly schoolgirlish. A back-to-school themed play party motivated me to cobble together the remainder of a school “uniform”, which sparked my imagination…

Ten minutes into first period, the intercom crackled to life with the high school secretary’s familiar voice saying words no one had ever heard before: “Alexandra King, please report to the principal’s office.”

My stomach lurched. Shit. Shit. I’d started skipping a class here and there. That must be it. But this was only the second week of school, and I’d been strategic so no one teacher would notice a pattern. And since they all liked me, I figured they’d give me the benefit of the doubt for a while at least. Assuming that getting a handshake at the end-of-the-year award ceremony didn’t count as “meeting”, I was about to meet the principal for the first time. Shit.

I felt the weight of everyone’s gaze as I stood and gathered my books. I usually sat more or less front and center, but in Calculus my friends all wanted to sit in the back corner. I slouched towards the door at the front of the room, trying vainly to disappear. Even the teacher’s eyebrows were headed for his hairline. Out in the empty hallway, I relaxed a bit.

This year, my last in high school, was going to be really different from the previous years. The new principal, Mr. Martin, liked to call himself “Headmaster”. Or rather, “Headmahstah.” I guessed on the basis of the accent that he was from somewhere in England.

New uniform. Dorktastic.

The uniforms that we now wore were his doing. I live in jeans and T-shirts. I hate skirts. And bloody blouses. Blazer, tie and knee socks. Ugh. And now all the guys are always looking at all the girls’ legs. How exactly is this supposed to make for an “environment conducive to learning”?

At the office, the secretary showed me to a chair and then bustled off to the photocopier room, which immediately started to hum. After a few moments, the Headmahstah’s door opened and he called me in. Despite the suit and tie, he looked too young to be a principal — mid to late 20s maybe. Sarah, who sat next to me in English, had a boyfriend who was 25. (She was nearly 18, while at 16 and three quarters I was about the youngest in the class.) But then Mr. Martin acted way older than 25, so I guess it balanced out. I could just see over his shoulder that the walls behind him were cluttered with class photos (from his previous schools, I assumed) and the metal filing cabinets were topped with an assortment of travel curios and a few houseplants.

“Sit down.” There was one sturdy straight-backed wooden chair facing his desk. I sat and studied my knees.

“Do you know why I called you in to see me?”

I was pretty sure I knew, but I didn’t want to say anything. Like my brother told me, if you get pulled over and the cop asks if you know why he stopped you: don’t confess anything, don’t make it easy. I shook my head.

“When I started at this school over the summer, I familiarized myself with the files of some of the more noteworthy students.” He crossed from the desk to the window and surveyed the grounds while I surreptitiously studied the room. “Your file stood out: straight As, awards, the whole lot.”

The dates on his degrees put him at 33 or 34. Huh.

“Imagine my surprise when I checked the attendance records of your various classes and found that you had been skipping. That seemed out of character.”

He turned toward me, his eyebrows raised imperiously during the pause, as though he were peering over reading glasses. Half-moon glasses, I thought, and then I had to stifle a smile when an image of Dumbledore in robes and long grey beard popped to mind unbidden. “You’re only harming yourself with that behavior. So now we’re going to correct it. It’s for your own good, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I guess,” I said.

Giving me a penetrating look, he said, “The correct answer is ‘Yes, sir.’ Try it.”

I took a breath, raised my head and looked into the middle distance, not towards him but vaguely over his desk. “Yes, sir.” Fine. I’ve said the words, but you can’t make me mean them.

“You know your behavior must be punished. Skipping classes is foolish and childish so your punishment will be too. I’m going to give you a spanking.”

My eyes flew up to meet his. I gaped. Shit.

“Now, Miss King. Stand up.” I couldn’t remember ever having been addressed that way before. The title and last name should have sounded grown up, but in this context it felt like a rebuke.

He wheeled his black leather office chair to the side and replaced it with another chair from the corner, which was straight-backed and wooden, like mine. He sat. “Take off your blazer and come around, now.”

The photocopier in the next room was still humming. What was the secretary copying? The phone book?

“Over my knee.”

[Continued in Part 2.]

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Edit: Marie Rebelle chose this post as one of her Top 3 for the week.

book porn

If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you’ve probably got me pegged as a bookish sort, and you wouldn’t be wrong. But the majority of the books in the house belong to Wolf. He’s got seven Billy bookcases* shoehorned into the second bedroom/office. It’s a working library, and because of the limited space, anything that isn’t directly relevant to his work may be banished to boxes in the basement. So here’s one corner of the little library. It’s so jam-packed with books that, in this corner, you can’t even see the walls that are painted in my favorite shade of deep red.


Swoon-worthy, right?

Ordinarily I let my camera choose ISO and shutter speed, but in the low light, that would have made for a grainy photo. For this photo, I set the ISO as low as I could (200) and used my tripod and remote. All in the name of getting the crispest photo so you can perv the spines. Click for hi-res.

My books are fewer and less photogenic. I tend to read fiction, though interestingly when it comes to sex I prefer non-fiction. Want to peruse my virtual nightstand? Check out my reading list page, where I keep a running annotated list of the books I’ve read on sexuality, relationships, BDSM, etc.

I’ve recently come to realize that most of my personal growth over the last two years or so (including but not limited to my epiphany) has been spurred by the reading I’ve done. The books about sexuality are included on the reading list page, but much of my reading has been about psychology and related topics that pique my interest. Occasionally these topics cross over into the blog, so I’ve recently created a new tag “I learned it from a book” (in reference to the Fawlty Towers bit) to keep track of the books that, although important to my understanding of my sexuality and sexual experiences, won’t appear on the reading list.

Sex and books – an excellent combination.

This is my first time participating in…

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* An Ikea Billy bookcase is now an international standard measure.