TMI Tuesday: the sexes

TMI Tuesday blog


1. What is femininity to you? Tell us in 50 words or less. Fifty words or less? Try fifty pages or less. But in blurb format: “femininity” is a set of behaviors and appearances that are coded in the culture as being appropriate or desirable for females to express. Because binary thinking is prevalent in the culture, the traits of “femininity” and “masculinity” are mutually exclusive, so “femininity” is thus inappropriate or undesirable for males to express.

2. How does femininity come into play in your sexual relationship? If I dress to be sexy, I tend more often to choose clothing and adornment that is considered “feminine”: skirts, dresses, toweringly high heels, makeup.

Note: It happens that I’m interested in BDSM and prefer the submissive role. It also happens that the cultural definition of “femininity” includes sexual submissiveness. But I categorically reject the notion that submission is an inherently female trait (and I’m sure male submissives would agree with me on the point). My submission is an expression of self in the context of a specific relationship. It is not an expression of gender.

3. What does masculinity mean to you? Tell us in 50 words or less. See #1, mutatis mutandis.

4. Men, we often hear about women’s body image struggles–what are your body image issues? N/A.

5. Men’s gender role conflict is a psychological state in which restrictive definitions of masculinity limit men’s well-being and human potential. Do you now or have you ever suffered from men’s gender role conflict? What are you doing to resolve this? N/A. But I will say that because men’s gender role conflict limits men, all men suffer from it in some way. However, if men don’t perceive that they’ve suffered from it, that may be because the culture is on the whole structured to benefit men more than women (viz. patriarchy).

Bonus: Does gender have any real meaning anymore? Did it ever have any “real” meaning? A person’s genitals are a physical fact, but nothing aside from a few obvious physical conclusions (e.g. a person requires ovaries and a uterus to become pregnant) can be deduced from this. The body has no inherent meaning – all meaning is assigned, and it’s almost entirely arbitrary. If gender appeared to have meaning before and appears not to now, perhaps it’s because the construct is starting to be seen as such.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Go to the TMI Tuesday blog and copy the questions. Paste them to your blog and answer them there (with a link to TMI Tuesday Blog). Then go back to the TMI Tuesday blog post and provide a link to your post in the comments.

TMI Tuesday: sex, fetish & orgasm

TMI Tuesday blog

1. Have you ever orgasmed just by hearing sexy dirty talk? No. I’ve never had a hands-off orgasm except a few times in my sleep. Dirty talk can be good, but as a side dish not a main course.

2. Have you ever tried scissoring? No.

3. Have you ever practiced BDSM on yourself (bondage, nipple clamps, hot wax, etc.)? I’ve done nipple clamps on myself. My partner has never used them on me – he just pinches.

4. Have you ever licked or sucked on someone else’s feet or toes? Was it a turn-on for you or were you doing it to please them? No, and it doesn’t interest me. I’ve had my toes sucked and it doesn’t really do much for me either. That said, I don’t find feet to be an absolute turn-off the way some people seem to, and I think I have nice looking feet.

5. Would you say that you have a sexual fetish? What is it? No, and I don’t think I’m likely to develop one. Turned on by an object or non-sexualized body part? Not really my style.

6. What is the best way for you to orgasm? 1. Be very turned on. I’m still working out how to do that. Spanking has been pretty reliable so far, but the physical isn’t enough – I also need to be turned on emotionally. 2. G-spot stimulation with fingers. 3. Clitoral stimulation with my little vibe. 4. Engage my PC muscle.

I can get very close with the g-spot stimulation but so far I’ve never been able to come just from that. I can come just from clitoral stimulation but it’s usually not as satisfying. And if g-spot and clit are happening at the same time, the g-spot stuff sometimes seems to create “noise” so that I can’t really feel the vibe and thus can’t get off. I like to get well primed with g-spot and then use clitoral stimulation like a short fuse.

Bonus: Do you have a crush on a fellow blogger? Yes, you could say that.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Go to the TMI Tuesday blog and copy the questions. Paste them to your blog and answer them there (with a link to TMI Tuesday Blog). Then go back to the TMI Tuesday blog post and provide a link to your post in the comments.

TMI Tuesday: analyze your sex life

TMI Tuesday blog

Analysis, my favorite!

1. What are your sexual strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths: open-minded, interested in exploring and experimenting; able to accept pleasure; vocally expressive; sensitive to emotion, mood, sensation; reliably orgasmic (though not with PIV sex); fit and flexible; my partner tells me I give good blowjobs

Weaknesses: under certain circumstances, I’m skittish and cautious; the sensitivity can also be a hindrance

2. As a couple, what are your sexual strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths: the relationship is excellent overall; we’re invested in each other’s pleasure, happiness and well-being; deep trust; excellent communication; broadly complementary kinks

Weaknesses: we’re discovering a few mismatches, for instance he’s quite a bit more cautious than I am, which is challenging when I’d like him to top or dominate me

3. How do you make intimacy a priority in a relationship? Emotional intimacy comes very easily to me, so there is no “making” involved. Or is “intimacy” code for sex etc? My relationship with my partner is the first in which physical intimacy was ever a priority. Our lives aren’t too busy, so it’s not really a scheduling issue. We both want sex/play fairly frequently, so we look for opportunities to set aside blocks of time, usually later on the same day that we’ve been discussing it.

4. How has your sex life changed in the last five years? I didn’t like sex before. Then I had my epiphany about a year and a half ago, and now I quite enjoy it though I’m still working on a few issues. We went from sex a few times a year to almost that much in a week. Documenting the way my sex life has changed since then is this blog’s raison d’être.

5. Has blogging helped your sex life? How? Yes, absolutely. I’m introspective by nature but writing things down with a view towards making a blog post out of it encourages me to analyze myself to the point that I actually figure things out. This is an important process that allows me to untangle current difficulties arising from my (former) sexual shame. Taking self-portraits encourages me to look for beauty instead of flaws, and the positive feedback that I’ve gotten reinforces a healthier self-image. And I’ve met a special someone who I wouldn’t have met otherwise.

Bonus: Has loneliness or emotional hunger ever caused you to “fall in love”? No. I’ve felt myself starting to become attached to someone I was attracted to (and the notion of emotional hunger may apply), but I became aware that my feeling was based in part on the image of that person that I had constructed in my mind. I put the brakes on so I could be sure that my feeling was based on my experience of the person instead of my imagination.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Go to the TMI Tuesday blog and copy the questions. Paste them to your blog and answer them there (with a link to TMI Tuesday Blog). Then go back to the TMI Tuesday blog post and provide a link to your post in the comments.

TMI Tuesday: love, lust and sex

TMI Tuesday blog

1. Why do you fall in love? This seems like an odd question to me. The sample size is small, but from what I can tell, if someone is a good match (intellect, wit, compassion, compatibility on the big issues, similar interests) then I’ll like them a lot and want to have them in my life. I’d think that would ripen into love on its own.

2. What makes you fall in lust? Physical attraction, backed up with an emotional and intellectual connection.

3. If you are in a monogamous sexual relationship and your significant other has sex outside of your relationship, will you forgive them? If this is a hypothetical question about how I feel about being cheated on in general, then I would find it difficult to forgive. Honesty and trust are tremendously important, and cheating shakes the relationship to its foundation.

If it’s a question about my current relationship, my answer is slightly different. I’m in a sexual relationship that is mostly monogamous and we’ve had conversations about ethical non-monogamy. He’s simply not interested in having sex outside our relationship. If that ever changed, we’d discuss it first and reach some kind of agreement. Under those circumstances, there would be nothing to forgive.

4. What do you idolize? I don’t think I idolize anything. I’m much to temperate for that.

5. Where are your erogenous zones? My brain. Otherwise, the nape of my neck. I’ve also discovered recently that my nipples are more responsive than I’d thought, as long as I’m warmed up first. I like to be touched all over, and with the right intention behind the touch, anywhere can be erogenous.

Bonus: What is the strangest or most unique thing you’ve tied someone up with or been tied up with? Why were you tied up? We’ve used a scarf, a strip of suede, and we now have some actual rope (yawn), so nothing particularly unusual.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Go to the TMI Tuesday blog and copy the questions. Paste them to your blog and answer them there (with a link to TMI Tuesday Blog). Then go back to the TMI Tuesday blog post and provide a link to your post in the comments.

TMI Tuesday: sexy


TMI Tuesday blog

This is my first TMI Tuesday. Today’s questions, yoinked from the TMI Tuesday blog, are as follows:

What is sexier…

1. Arms or shoulders? It’s close but I’ll go with arms, especially forearms.

2. Ass or legs? Legs. I don’t object to ass, but very few of them catch my eye.

3. Pussy or dick? Why? I don’t find the mere sight of genitals particularly sexy – it’s too obvious. But I’ll go with cock, because I’m straight.

4. Feet or hands? Why? Hands. They are expressive, and there are many, many good things that hands can do. I don’t have anything against feet, though.

5. Muscles or brains? Brains, no question. I need someone who is interesting, who I can have deep conversations with, and who has a good sense of humor.

Bonus: Do you think you’re sexy? I think being sexy is partly appearance and partly an attitude of sexual or sensual confidence. I think I’m attractive, but I don’t often feel sexy.