photo shoot trip: that’s a wrap

The shoot wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but I guess that’s to be expected. I’ve been feeling ambivalent about it, even though I’ve been home for a while and have written up the events. It took a few conversations with other people before I really understood how I felt and why.

It was… OK.

There were good things. We shared ideas. I wore some nice outfits. I liked the bit of shibari that we tried. I enjoyed the way I got wet just from having the cuffs locked together. I had an adventure and pushed a limit.

There were things that were less than good. Nothing bad exactly.

I had a mild blood sugar crash on day 2 when we went out shopping, and then again in the evening of day 3 after we finished shooting for the day. I rarely feel hungry when I need to eat so I’m prone to blood sugar crashes, yet I rarely have them when I’m at home because my regular routine keeps me running well. I’m more likely to have a crash when I’m travelling because I’m off my routine. My sleep schedule was all over the place and there wasn’t much for food in the house.

There was also a technical glitch, discovered (or at least reported) after I’d already returned home. Lucas likes a certain amount of grain in his photos but had forgotten that his camera was very grainy all on its own, so all of the photos from the first day of shooting were really grainy. He adjusted the settings on the second day and we had better light, so those images are crisper.

My ambivalence about the trip came from my mood. My mood was a response to the theme of the weekend, which in retrospect was mild discomfort.

There was the physical. Lucas’s condo has heating problems so it’s always on the cool side. If you’re sitting around watching TV it’s no big deal — just put on a sweater or cuddle under a blanket. But if you’re, at best, scantily clad for a few hours, you’ve got a problem. He had a space heater going at all times but I wasn’t warm enough unless it was blowing straight at me and mostly it wasn’t.

There was the aesthetic. The condo has good bones but isn’t especially inviting. The living room, where we did most of the photos, was lined with Ikea shelves of paperbacks, movies, games and figurines, and at the center of it all was the home-theater-sized TV. He had been planning to clean the place before I arrived but had been putting it off, and then he was unexpectedly busy for the two weeks prior to my arrival. None of this mattered to me as a houseguest visiting a friend, but they did make it difficult for me as a model to actively enjoy being in the space.

There was the emotional. We’re both introverts; I need a certain amount of alone time and I’m sure he does too. I figured that he’d feel like his space was being invaded, so I was my usual quiet self and tried to keep my presence small while permitting myself to help a bit with dishes. I think he still found me “too much” for him to be comfortable though.

On top of it all was my biggest concern: how would I react emotionally to stepping out of my comfort zone and doing nude photos with a photographer? Many years ago I tried doing a shoot with a photographer, including some semi-nude shots. The experience was excruciatingly uncomfortable and I hated all the resultant photos. But now I feel more comfortable with my body than ever before, and I’ve taken and posted lots of photos myself. I was concerned that this shoot could trigger an old shame response, though fortunately that wasn’t the case. I was fine. But I could have been better.

Lucas was my second boyfriend, and I wondered what it would be like to be naked in front of him again after so long. I’m in good shape and my weight has always been stable. Would he notice that my breasts are almost as perky as they were when I was 17? Would he observe that my muscle tone is as good as it was then, or perhaps even better? If he noted anything of the sort, he certainly didn’t share it with me. In fact, with one exception he gave no indication during the shoot that he found my body even to be attractive, and we never actually spoke about that relationship. He was absolutely businesslike at all times.

But this wasn’t exactly business, and he didn’t hire me to model for him. We’re friends but it didn’t feel very friendly. I felt no warmth or emotional connection during the shoot. In fact, I perceived what I would now describe as emotional distance.

In an email before the shoot I shared that I would need praise, and he said he would provide it. But he gave me positive feedback only once or twice during the shoot, which went for hours over two days. It felt lonely. I was left seriously wondering whether he thought things had gone well or poorly, and after we wrapped up I asked him point-blank. He told me he thought it had gone well, but I thought I sensed a lack of conviction.

I’d consider doing another shoot with him but if I do, I want to enjoy it, so some things would have to be done differently. Having figured out what was bothering me, at least I’m now in a position to express specific needs and wants. But it may be that we’re not sufficiently compatible for this sort of partnership to work all that well.

Boobday: ordinary

Today Lucas sent me a handful of photos from the shoot we did, and there are some good shots but technical difficulties means that lots of the shots came out super grainy. Some should be OK for posting online at least. I think I’ll wait until I see the lot before I post anything.

I’m kicking myself for forgetting to take a mile high photo on the trip home. You’re going to have to wait for a couple of months now. I think my next mile-high opportunity will be when I visit Gawan and go to Eroticon in the spring.

But we are still in selfie territory today. I’m wearing an ordinary bra and my usual at-home yoga pants, which double as pyjamas on cold nights.

I’m not feeling sexy, just ordinary. No special poses, no special clothes, props or locations. A day in the life.

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Boobday: mile high 6

This week, Boobday comes to you from Lucas’s place. I arrived in his city last night.

We haven’t really done anything yet. He was expecting to have the day off today but then got called in after I had already booked my flights, so today I slept in, had a late breakfast, and then had a quick rinse which turned into a long soak. This evening I’m visiting with Mr. PS.

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This time I thought ahead and cleaned off the mirror before taking the shot.

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Boobday: Linear A

I’m looking forward to my photo shoot trip, which is next weekend, woo! Nothing much to report on that front, except that Lucas just found out that he’ll have to work on one of the days he’d hoped to have off. That was the day we were planning to do some shopping for fetish wear, but with any I’ll still be able to hit a couple of shops, either on my own or together on one of our shoot days.

I’ve arranged to see Mr. PS for dinner while I’m in town. I’ve got some extra time now, so maybe I’ll be able to spend that with him. I’m confident that he has no ulterior motives towards me, but I’d say there’s a fair chance we’ll cuddle on his couch.

I’m going to have to start packing soon. I’m only going for a few days, and under normal circumstances my clothes would fit in a carry-on bag. I tend to be practical, but not quite minimalist. Not yet. If left to my own devices I can easily wear the same pair of pants (that’s trousers for the Brits) for 5 days in a row, but I find it difficult to leave home and commit to wearing the same pants for that length of time. And I’m going to be bringing half of my wardrobe to play dress-up: dresses, heels, boots, lingerie. All the frippery that I would ordinarily leave behind. So my usual strategy of packing everything the day before won’t work so well because my usual packing skillz don’t apply. I have this mental image of little me rolling this big bag along in full princess mode, wearing a tight dress that shows a lot of thigh and my knee-high gladiator “sandals” with the 4″ heel. Yeah, not so much.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been writing less over the last few months. I’ve been busier with work and have had less time to write, and less writing seems to mean fewer ideas for writing, which initiates a vicious circle of less writing, etc. But I might be turning the corner, inspiration-wise at least: I have a play party to write up, as well as most of my visit with Gawan, which was months ago, and my thoughts about where I’m at currently are starting to ripen. I’ve also started posting a bit of serialized fiction, and I’m not ready to drop that story yet. Now the trick is not to get overwhelmed with it all and freeze up.

The other day I booked the flights for a trip to London in early spring. I’m going to Eroticon! I’m looking forward to meeting some of the bloggers who I’ve become acquainted with online and hopefully turn some of those acquaintances into friends. I’m also holidaying with Gawan on this trip, and I have to admit that he’s the bigger draw. Good thing I don’t have to choose 🙂

Aaaand, Molly announced the Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2016 today. I’m very chuffed to have made the list again this year! Why not check out the list and find some good new blogs?

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After the play party.

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negotiating a photo shoot

My discussions with my friend Lucas about doing a shoot together have been continuing apace. We arranged to Skype last weekend, mostly so I could do some show and tell of clothes and accessories.

I would have liked to use my laptop for the purpose, but my internal speakers stopped working after my forced upgrade to Windows 10. It’s a driver issue and, because I usually use headphones or external speakers, not quite irritating enough for me to spend the time figuring it out. But it turns out that my microphone also doesn’t work. I figure that’s a driver fuck-up too.

I knew the call would be long and I needed the phone plugged in, so I started by finding the best-placed outlet. Then I looked around the house for something I could use as a stand, and found a soft plastic soap-dish thing with slats between which the phone would fit. But the slats weren’t deep enough to support the weight of the phone at the slight angle necessary to keep me in frame, so I put a book behind the soap dish and let the phone lean against that. High tech!

Over the course of an hour or so, I pulled various likely items out of the closet to show Lucas. He liked almost everything, so the limiting factor is going to be how much I want to pack and haul.

The nature of the shoot is starting to take shape too. The overall tone is going to be artistic. There will be some regular non-fetish photos, and we’ll also try some rope bondage, starting with ties that look cool but don’t actually restrict movement, and working up in intensity from there, within my comfort zone. There is a possibility of partial suspension if I’m inclined to try it.

A couple of days later, we exchanged some sample photos. He wanted to show me his rigging and editing skills. I wanted to show him the photography styles I like and some of the clothes in action, and just show off a little. He found my photos inspiring, which I consider a great compliment.

He likes the look of gags and suggested it as an idea, and my first reaction was that I should agree to try it, even though I wasn’t especially keen. But I realized that this was my old habit of going along with things because I think I ought to for some reason. So I informed him about that habit and gave him some ideas of how to help me avoid that pitfall. He acknowledged that gags are intense and not for everyone, and reassured me that there is no wrong answer and it’s important to him that I’m happy.

Our friendly discussion seems to be developing into more focused and deliberate negotiation, which reminded me that although this project isn’t about sex, it will be sexy. We haven’t had a BDSM checklist chat, but I’d be ready for it.

We’ve set tentative dates (a little less than two months away), chosen to coincide with a fetish club night. I think the whole trip is going to be a blast.

Boobday: mile high 5

This is the last mile high photo for a while as I have no more trips planned at present.

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Please excuse the grubby mirror.

Well, that’s not absolutely true, I suppose. I’ve been chatting with my friend Lucas lately, rekindling our friendship. (He’s the one who dropped me off at the airport, both on my way to visit Gawan and on the way back.) In addition to SFW topics, we’ve also been talking BDSM and erotic photography. It’s so nice to have someone to talk to about this stuff, and an incredible bonus that it’s someone who I’ve been friends with forever, and I get the sense that he feels the same way. Sure I can chat about sexy topics with the people I’ve been meeting at munches, but I don’t know them, and I’m not sure if I have anything in common with anyone other than a broad interest in kink.

So Lucas and I have been talking about our interests in photography, which happen to be complementary, and it was obvious to me that this could lead to doing a project together. But neither of us had vocalized that thought. He mentioned that he had a bunch of ideas and was considering hiring a model. I asked about the ideas. He mentioned that he had some burgundy rope. I told him that burgundy was my favorite color. (It’s true, it is!) My overture was a bit lame, the equivalent of “ooh my neck is so sore!” when trying to invite a massage as an excuse to touch, but it served to take the first half-step towards the point that I’m sure we were both aware that we were circling. And he then suggested we do a project together. Of course I agreed; it was my idea! Sure, I could have just suggested it myself, and I would have if he’d been obtuse, but the dance is fun too.

Anyway, we’ve been discussing his ideas, my ideas, his props, my clothes and shoes. And I’ve started thinking about planning a short trip out to see him. That should provide a couple more airplane loo photos, at least. And if I’m lucky, a variety of other good stuff that I can post here. He has done fetish photography professionally so I’m confident in his skills.

Although the photo above isn’t great, I’m glad that I had it to post because I’m really not feeling it today. I’ve been having some doubts about this blog lately. It’s not that I don’t have things I want to write about, but I haven’t been writing much lately. There’s an element of feeling that what I’m posting isn’t good enough, that I’m not accomplishing anything, and I feel a bit directionless. Today has not been a good day.

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