I’m on my own at the moment. Wolf is getting ready to defend his thesis and the three of us (including my other manfolk, Jaime) are distributed almost equidistantly among time zones.
But I have things well in hand.
It’s the end of the year. I’m at Wolf’s mother’s place, the very place where I launched this blog just over three years ago, as a matter of fact. The weather is cold and I don’t want to go outside and my back is complaining about the long road trip and subsequent inactivity.
I took this photo at home, in the newly painted bedroom. It’s a dark colour, and rather more reminiscent of the London dungeon Jaime and I visited back in March than I’d intended, but it’s also about my favourite colour in the world so fuck it.
I’ve been back home long enough that it feels normal again. Well, mostly. Having been in a place where the sun was nearly overhead, somehow it seems like at home it’s even lower than it was last year at this time. And the days are so short.
I don’t think I’ve talked much about my fatigue here. It’s an ongoing issue, like for years now. I don’t have a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome, though I could probably get one if I wanted it; my doctor doesn’t disagree with it but he doesn’t find it helpful so he hasn’t branded me with it so far.
While I was away, I didn’t notice any unusual fatigue. Granted, I was on vacation and actually took things easy, but still, it stood out. At one point I wondered if I might actually be better. And then I got home, and after recovering from the exhaustion of long haul travel and jet lag, I feel like I still have the same fatigue problem as before. Curious but somewhat encouraging that it went away, if only briefly.
This photo was taken during my trip. There’s nothing green outside my window at home.
Hello all! I just got home the other day from a lengthy trip to visit Jaime. It was wonderful to spend time with him again after so long apart, but I’m now getting re-accustomed to my regular routine. And time zone. And hemisphere.
If anyone asks about my trip, I can tell them that the weather was good but it was rather disorienting to go to a country where the sun is too high and on the wrong side of the sky, and that it took even longer to get used to because half the days were cloudy. It’s been disorienting coming home too, with snow on the ground and what feels like 5:30 pm sunshine at 1:30.
But I won’t tell them how it’s both comforting and bittersweet to go from the care of one man I love to that of the other, in either direction. Or how, even though there’s been a net increase of love, I regret the fact that the competition for my time is a zero-sum game and I must always disappoint one of them.
These photos are from the outbound trip.
In the process of getting dressed, wearing the saucy skirt that Gawan likes so much. (To be fair, Wolf kinda loves it too.) I pretty much only wear it when it’s sweltering. Or when ordered to.
Yes, it’s another airplane loo shot.
This was taken during an unplanned trip to attend a relative’s memorial. It’s got me thinking about family, my own childhood and history, and the history of others that has affected me even though I wasn’t there.
I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last three years or so, but I can’t help feeling that the key to deeply understanding myself is locked away inside the head of a person who’d prefer to take her secrets to her grave. And if I’ve learned one thing recently, it’s that the grave may be nearer than you think.
Things are still quiet around here.
I finished out the term of dance classes but right when I was pretty much ready to take a break for the summer, one of my students had an idea that intrigued me. So I’m starting up another class (with shared teaching duties) soon. Time will tell if I come to regret this. I’ve also started taking a dance class as a student. It’s in a different style and very aerobic, so I’m definitely going to get a workout.
I’ve been feeling a bit better, energy-wise, and I’ve been putting that into my work. Er, and dance, which then leaves me tired. Not sure if there’s a net gain here.
My newest new hobby appears to be decluttering, and as it happens, sorting out my emotional shit has also given me some clarity about the stuff I want or don’t want in my house. Weird but true. And now I’ve found a website to sell my stuff on: people come to my house to take away the things I would have had to junk, recycle or donate, and sometimes I even get money for it! Amazing!
One down side of this is that the spot where I used to take most of my self-portraits now contains a table where I takes photos of my crap to post on that website. It’s a very functional spot in the house, but I’ve sort of lost my studio.
Overall, I’m feeling pretty good though I still wish I had more energy.
It’s been a bit quiet around here lately. There are a few reasons for that, but nothing dire. I have low energy at the best of times and I’m even more tired than usual, which I think is partly a side effect from some medication I’m taking.
My interest in the blog, both writing and photography, seems to be going through a low patch. (Hell, I’m having a hard time even replying to comments, never mind creating content.) But my interest in some of my other hobbies, such as dance and sewing/costuming, has been higher than usual lately. So it balances out – at least, it does for me.
I think I just need to ride it out.
I’ve had a good week this week. The weather has been lovely, and other than the occasional cough, my cold is history! I also received my first sex toy for review — watch this space.
My mood has been fairly good lately. I attribute that largely to the direct effect of the anti-depressants, but also to the virtuous cycle that they’ve launched. My symptoms of depression include indecision, second-guessing myself, and having difficulty getting anything done.
The medication allows me to make decisions and get things done, which gives me a sense of accomplishment that in turn makes me feel better about myself. And then I have more confidence about tackling the next task. It’s slow going but I’ve got a bit of momentum now. I’m not certain that the dose is quite right yet, but it’s close.
As Hy says, “Boobday is a body-positive meme where women share images of their bodies in order to show that there is beauty in all of us. With confidence comes power and with power comes confidence.”