slow burn

I have never been a fan of quickies and that seems unlikely to change any time soon.

Before my epiphany, sexual shame put a damper on everything. I didn’t feel sexy. I didn’t experience spontaneous arousal. I didn’t experience much arousal even with help. On the rare occasions when I got warmed up, it took a long time to get there and Wolf and I would usually take, oh, 2-3 hours.

The last quickie I can recall was pre-Wolf, so a long time ago indeed. My boyfriend and I had been attending a low-key social event at a restaurant one evening. As I recall, we ducked out to his car in the parking lot and we had 15 or 20 minutes before we needed to give someone a ride home. I don’t remember anything more about it (and what I do remember is very hazy), but I must have been very turned on and that pleases me.

Thing is, as a rule, I still don’t get turned on easily at all. I think my libido is just naturally low, and having had all of my early learning about sexuality tainted with that deep shame, I suspect it continues to affect my relationship with sex even now, despite the fact that I don’t feel that specific shame anymore.

I’ve been trying to figure out my turn-ons but haven’t gotten very far with the project, or there just aren’t many. Either way, it’s a source of frustration. And on top of that, depression and medication have taken their toll. The slightest flicker of libido is therefore welcomed, but if I’m going to act on it, it needs a tremendous amount of coaxing to ignite, like damp wood.

And you know? Fast and furious just isn’t my style. I don’t do anything quickly. Shopping, travelling, crafting and sewing. I like to take my time with all of it, and if I rush, I don’t enjoy it.

So for the foreseeable future, any sex is going to be slow sex.

5 thoughts on “slow burn

  1. The impact of depression on libido should not be overlooked and is, I feel, often underestimated. I similarly go through spells where “sexy” just doesn’t even feature in my vocabulary and any source of arousal has to be welcomed (I almost said grasped with both hands, but actually that isn’t true either ☹).

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    1. I didn’t say so clearly in this post, but the depression is past tense and I’ve been off meds for over 6 months now. My libido definitely tanked after I started on the meds and it hasn’t really come back yet, which is disappointing. And its absence feels terribly familiar from my pre-epiphany days, so I can’t be sure that the meds caused it or that being off the meds will fix it.

      I occasionally wank and I can orgasm without much difficulty (compared to my normal) but I mostly don’t feel like it. And partnered sex hasn’t happened in quite a while, to be honest.

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      1. It’s good that you’ve managed to come off the medication (I’ve been on for 14 years and attempts to wean myself off have always resulted in a rapid decline). Sadly we just have to work with the bodies and minds that we have and try to best accommodate their needs which, sadly, aren’t always the same as our own personal ones.

        It’s not easy being human, I guess…

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  2. Slow can be very very good.

    There’s a book I read about I think it’s Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski that says that we don’t feel arousal then start sexual stimulation, but we start sexual stimulation then arousal happens. I haven’t read the book yet, but it’s on my list.

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    1. I have read the book though I’m due for a reread. There’s a little more complexity to it than that. I don’t tend to get aroused independently and need input to react to but it has to be the right kind. Straight up sexual stimulation without arousal first turns me off. The trick is figuring out what the right kind of stimulation actually is.

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