beginnings

There have been some interesting shifts in my life recently, and over the last two years in particular. The genesis of this blog was my epiphany in the summer of 2014, but that was rooted in earlier events.

A little background

Five years ago I had a change in my work arrangements. I work with family, and this change introduced some conflict with a difficult personality.

A little over three years ago, Wolf started living abroad for about 8 months out of the year. We discussed the possibility of my going with him but decided I would stay behind for two main reasons. One was my job. The other (and probably more important) one was our elderly cat: she was 19 years old at the time, high strung and easily stressed out. Travelling with her or leaving her with anyone else would have been insensitive, if not cruel.

So. I was here and Wolf was there and that was that. It was hard being apart, but on top of that, the conflict at work worsened. At first, that seemed like a cruel irony, but then I came to believe that there was no irony at all, and his absence was actually part of the cause. The conflict had always been there, but because Wolf’s presence acted as a balm for my frayed nerves and made it all manageable, I had failed to perceive that it was as bad as it was. In a way, his presence was a crutch. (There is a study showing that a good spousal relationship measurably and significantly reduces stress.) It was his absence that shone the harsh light of day onto the situation.

2014

Things worsened and came to a crisis in the latter part of January 2014. Thus the theme of my 2014 was problems with work and family.

In an attempt to resolve or at least improve matters, I did a tremendous amount of (often painful) soul-searching. Because the problem, narrowly defined, was an interpersonal issue, I did lots of reading about psychology to understand myself, the other person, and our challenging relationship. I learned a lot about myself, both as an individual and as a member of my family of origin.

At the same time, I was having a hard time enjoying or even giving a shit about anything, work or otherwise. I think I may have been depressed. As a result, on those rare occasions that I found myself curious about something, I would follow that curiosity wherever it led.

I like to think I’ve always been reasonably self-aware, but now my introspection became turbo-charged. All the reading I did — on personality types, vulnerability, sensitivity, boundaries, relationships ­— came together in a powerful alchemical reaction that resulted in my epiphany about my sexuality. I could not have planned that if I tried.

The latter half of 2014 thus also included the beginnings of my sexual explorations, including the launch of this blog right at the end of the year.

2015

Although the work/family problems remain unresolved, I have at least achieved a workable status quo. I found 2015 to be interesting, challenging, exciting, and unpredictable, with a theme of love and sex. Compared to where I was before, that’s kind of amazing!

Many of the things that were important to me in 2015 were also novel:

  • living with Wolf in Oxford for two months in the spring and early summer
  • having likely had more sex — and definitely vastly better sex — in 2015 than I’d had in my entire life prior to my epiphany
  • discussing intimate details of my sex life, right here on this blog
  • plastering my tiny corner of the internet with nude and semi-nude self-portraits, and getting feedback that has helped my body image
  • Wolf’s open heart surgery (I still have moments when I find it hard to believe that this actually happened)
  • meeting Gawan online, starting a relationship, vacationing together, loving each other

The most important thing ­— Wolf’s unwavering love and devotion — is not new. It’s rooted in deep and fertile soil. The profoundness of our relationship exceeds my ability to express it.

2016

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, but here are some things I’m looking forward to or planning to work on in 2016:

  • travelling with Wolf to the UK and perhaps Europe in the spring
  • seeing Gawan again (why do we have to live so far apart?)
  • more sexual exploration, especially BDSM
  • finding work I enjoy more
  • making some progress with this family problem
  • improving my ability to listen to my gut
  • decluttering my house and life, getting rid of the things, thoughts and relationships that don’t benefit me
  • continuing to figure out what I like and what I want

Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me in 2015. May your 2016 be filled with love, compassion and happiness.

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