A long time ago, I had come to associate platonic touch from my partner (even hugs) with foreplay. Any touch therefore seemed unsafe because I was afraid it would inevitably lead to sex, which was somewhere I usually didn’t want to go.

I eventually plateaued at a reasonably comfortable place where I could easily accept a hug or a neck rub.

I recently discovered something new: I like being touched.

These days, in the morning, he’s usually on the computer already by the time I get out of bed. The first thing I do is go and visit him; I’ll be wearing an oversized T-shirt without a bra, and maybe a pair of yoga pants, or maybe nothing at all on the bottom. I’ll put my elbows on the table, and it happens that this makes my bum stick out and my breasts hang, hidden but still enticing. He’ll usually give me some pats and squeezes, and maybe a couple of spanks and some fondling. And then I’ll go and put some clothes on. This has become my wake-up routine.

More recently, I find that when we’re lying in bed either falling asleep or waking up, I just want him touching me all over: head, shoulder, breast, hip, bottom. It’s all good. I don’t expect sex to follow necessarily, though I don’t mind if it does.

I’m not afraid of touch now because I’m no longer afraid of starting something. I’m more in tune with what I want and I’m not afraid to express it because he has proven repeatedly that he’ll respect any limit I may set. I don’t have to defend myself: the line is defined by my words and held by his respect for me, and so I can finally, finally let my guard down.

I crave touch. I ask for it. I get it.

4 thoughts on “touch

  1. This is funny because I feel the same way. I used to be pretty coiled, cold, uninviting. I controlled my body language so as to not start something because I didn’t want sex. Now(!) I feel so free to stretch out and be open. I’m not consciously trying to initiate sex but I’m totally not opposed. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! I come across as very self-contained, and more so in the past I suspect. A number of years ago, I went dancing with some friends. I didn’t know N well but I knew that she was very sexual. She told me she was surprised that I was good at dancing – I think she saw that restraint and assumed I was simply awkward and uncomfortable in my body.

      In contrast, last weekend I performed (at a low-key event) and got a comment (from a burlesque dancer, no less) that the piece was “playful”. That’s a first! I had been wondering if my new attitude would come across on stage…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. OK, hooked.

    I’m at that awkward age where – based on my daughter’s reaction (at that time) to Kevin Spacey in ‘American Beauty’ – any age difference greater than 15 is just ewww, so sorry about that.

    Your journey, though 10 or so years ahead of me seems to parallel my own. I’m trying to draw the love of my life out of her shell after years interrupted by kids and grown up shit. Last year, while she was off at opposite ends of the country – 4,000km away – to deal with an aging parent, I let her know that I was going to try to get us back to love, before life interrupted. Time when an erection was not “to be wasted” (her words), time of skirts, dresses, stilettos and brazen fondling. Time when emptying a dishwasher opened one to all manner of debauchery…

    So, that’s me. Yes, a whole bunch older, but working the same relationship issues. And, no, not wanking to thoughts of you baking in stilettos; my sweetie in stilettos?: fuck yeah!

    Today, the Pure Wand arrived, in time Valentines Day …

    I’m following for insight. Could luck in your journey.


    1. Have fun with the Pure Wand. There is a learning curve, and it could become frustrating depending on your and her expectations. I don’t feel like we’ve mastered it yet, but it’s fun trying… (If you have any questions, I’ll answer if I can.)

      I certainly hope that you’ll find my perspective helpful in some way. No doubt the details are different, but there are some pretty common themes: low self-esteem, fear vs. vulnerability, judgment vs. trust, communication, boundaries, true self vs. false self, attitudes learned in childhood.

      I wish you the best of luck – in general with your relationship, and specifically with getting your sweetie into some stilettos 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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